I almost typed "Blugsput". Typos are so fun.
Well, a week ago to the day, I went and did it. I went to a local theater to watch The Hobbit: The Desolation of Smaug, and to be brief, it was everything I anticipated. Pure awesomeness.
Warning: SPOILERS AHEAD!
The film had a great start with a slight prequel from one year before, showing how Thorin and Gandalf decided to unite a few dwarves to take the Arkenstone from Erebor, and then use the Arkenstone to unite the rest of the dwarves to take back Erebor for good. That's when I understood that this quest wasn't a battle mission; it was a heist. It is also when I remembered that the only reason Bilbo is part of the quest is to steal the Arkenstone. I commend Peter Jackson for the quick recap before getting to the good stuff.
One year later, Bilbo, Gandalf, Thorin, and the other dudes are being chased by this really ugly orc guy named Azog and his equally disgusting minions. So after hanging out at this wolf guy's place for the night, they head to Mirkwood and then Gandalf just leaves for no reason. Actually, Galadriel talked to him in his mind and told him to go to these old tombs or something in a faraway mountain. And then he met up with Radagast (the dude with fungus on his face and a bird nest in his hair) to check out the tombs.
This was one of the most epic parts. The two wizards find that the first tomb they see is empty, and when they look further down, they find eight other empty tombs. There were nine. And I was just really mind-blown there because those nine are the Nazgul! Well played, Peter Jackson.
So when Bilbo and the dwarves head into Mirkwood to get to the Lonely Mountain before a certain time (because the secret door is only revealed by the last light of Durin's Day), and they get attacked by giant spiders. I was shaking at this point because I really hate spiders, no matter what the size. Fortunately, Bilbo escapes from his sticky cocoon and puts on the Ring to hide from the spiders. That's when I discovered that the spiders' indecipherable shrieks and gurgles are completely understandable in the Twilight World (the place Bilbo goes when he puts on the Ring). So that was cool.
Anyways, Bilbo ends up rescuing the dwarves, and they all kill the spiders. At one point, one of the spiders tries to take Bilbo's Ring, and Bilbo kind of goes crazy in killing the spider. Then, once it is dead, he snatches the Ring and says, "Mine."
It is at this point that Bilbo realizes what the Ring is doing to him. He's becoming addicted to its power, even though he does not know the extent of it. He nearly vomits when he realizes this.
After the whole spider deal, Bilbo climbs a tree to see where they are. It turns out that they're really close to the Lonely Mountain and will easily be there in a day or two. He climbs down and discovers that the Wood Elves have found the dwarves. This is when it gets good, because Sparkles (my nickname for Legolas) comes into the picture. He's as pretty and badass as ever. This is also the point where Tauriel (the captain of the guard) has her movie debut, and Kili gets and instant crush on her. I already shipped them at this point.
So Kili starts to flirt with her a bit when the Elves take the dwarves to the dungeons in Mirkwood, but thankfully, Bilbo didn't end up in the same place. He had the Ring on, so he got into Mirkwood without anyone noticing. Thranduil (the king of Mirkwood and Legolas' dad) tries to make a deal with Thorin, but Thorin doesn't buy it. Dragons somehow get into the conversation, and Thranduil gets right in Thorin's face when he hisses, "Do not speak to me of dragon's fire." That's when he reveals a horrible burn on the side of his face.
That's when I got a headcanon about Legolas' mom. I started to think that when Legolas was around 5 or 6 years old, a dragon attacked Mirkwood and killed his mom with him watching. Thranduil tried to save her but got burned in the process, and she had already died before so. This was a trauma that really shook Legolas, and for years afterwards, he would wake up in the middle of the night screaming for his mother. Those nights, Thranduil would hold his son close. Now that Legolas is older and has stopped aging, he's buried the trauma deep inside of him, and that's why he doesn't talk very much. He cares about Tauriel because she reminds him of his mother. Whenever I think about this headcanon, there's this sharp pang in my chest. If this is canon, I'll probably just hide under my bed covers for a few years.
Back to the canon story. Bilbo cleverly gets the dwarves out after Tauriel and Kili start to hesitantly bond a bit. It turns out that the dwarves and Bilbo escape Mirkwood by riding barrels in a river. That was obviously the awesomest part. Riding in barrels looks very dangerous but so much fun.
While the Elves are chasing them, so are Azog and his orc minions. There's a really cool battle between the three forces, and Kili gets shot in the leg. Poor guy. Tauriel notices and keeps him from being shot again. The dwarves escape, and a lot of orcs are killed. Thranduil decides to seal off his kingdom to protect it from the growing darkness in Middle-earth. Just before the doors are closed, Legolas realizes that Tauriel has left to find the dwarves on her own. He goes after her, and the two of them end up helping the dwarves, but that's a while later.
So the dwarves and Bilbo find themselves in Laketown. Complicated stuff happens, and the residents of Laketown (all humans) end up helping the dwarves to the Lonely Mountain, and when they get there, the orcs end up in Laketown too, looking for the dwarves. A few of the dwarves stayed behind, like Fili and Kili and some other dude with a weird hat. It forgot his name. Tauriel ends up healing Kili's wound, and he confesses his love for her. The scene just ends like that.
Then Legolas gets a really intense fight scene, and he actually looked like he got hurt pretty bad, but when the orc he was fighting just got on a Warg and ran off, it turns out that all Legolas got from that fight was a bloody nose. He seems shocked to see his own blood, and then he looked really pissed off, so he got on a horse and ran after the orc.
So the dwarves and Bilbo get into the Lonely Mountain, and they send Bilbo off to get the Arkenstone. And I must say, Smaug is one of the most beautiful creatures I've ever seen. He's huge!!! It turns out that they didn't get the Arkenstone, and Smaug gets really pissed when they try to drown him in liquid gold. So he flies off to Laketown, declaring that he is fire and he is death.
The ending line by Bilbo: "What have we done?"
In all, the movie was great. Surprisingly, it was paced much faster than the other Peter Jackson movies I've seen, and it seemed like they stuffed a lot of things into it, but I hope the third one will be a bit smoother in that sense. However, I loved the structure of the film and the epic ending. I highly anticipate The Hobbit: There and Back Again!
The song that plays in the credits is the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Here's the link:
Until next time, my darlings, farewell!
-Snowprincess
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